This is a continuation from a little series I’m writing about my husband and best friend, Steve, for his birthday on Monday. You can find PART 1 here.
I haven’t shared this with very many people but very early on in our dating relationship, while I drove home after spending time with Steve, I would suddenly break down in tears and have to pull the car over to the side of the road so I can cry for awhile. The first couple of times this happened, it was hard to process why I was crying. We had wonderful times together, lots of fun. We watched each other’s favorite movies, we would quiz each other on Saved By the Bell trivia, try different foods, talk about life and sometimes about nothing… so I knew they couldn’t be bad tears. When I thought about it a bit more, I realized I was moved to tears because I just felt so loved by Steve, in a way I had never felt before.
Steve was a gentleman towards me, and expressed his feelings to me freely. He would hold my hand and give me hugs. He listened to my long-winded analyses about the stuff of life. He was silly, told great stories and made me laugh. What I liked most about Steve was that he simply knew who he was. He didn’t pretend to be anyone else. He fully embraced himself and it was fascinating to me. No frills, no drama, Steve is who he is, and he doesn’t care much about what anyone else thinks about him. That is liberating for me. I care way too much about what others think of me, and that’s probably why it took me so long to discover who I really am. I was living out someone else’s life for me instead of my own for many, many years. With Steve, I felt free to be myself. I felt his acceptance of me, just as I am.
Those tears in the car weren’t all good though. After awhile, I realized I was also crying because I was absolutely terrified. It had been a long time since I started to have such strong feelings for someone and it scared me to death that I might have to trust someone again. What if he decided he didn’t like me anymore? What if this thing doesn’t work out? What if my heart gets broken? What if this… what if that… My fears and insecurities surfaced almost immediately along with the feelings of being accepted and loved. I wasn’t sure if I would last in this relationship with these kinds of feelings. I also felt like I wasn’t being fair to Steve. He was so steady and so reassuring and just so loving.
As much as I wanted to continue in the relationship, I also knew I wanted to run away. Far, far away.
(To be continued)