Today I was on my way into my apartment building coming home from work and bumped into the UPS guy that I have somewhat befriended over the past 2 years I’ve been living in this building. We became friendly because the first time he ever delivered something to my apartment, I was having a little party at home and we thought he was a guest, so when he rang the doorbell, a couple of us welcomingly yelled, “Come in!” He didn’t come in and so I went to open the door and we all realized it was a UPS guy and we all laughed, including him.
Ever since then, every time he comes to deliver something, we have a little chat at the door. One time, he saw my keyboard through the doorway and asked me if I played. So we got to talking about music and how I was a singer/songwriter. I gave him one of my CDs.
So today when I saw him, we went into the elevator together and I asked him how he was doing. He then asked me, “How’s the business going?” I asked, “What business?” And he says, “Your music.” Then I found myself saying this to him:
It’s not a business. It’s just a hobby. You know how it is, the music industry. I can’t make it into a business.
Then it was time for him to get off, so we said our goodbyes and I came home. I closed the door behind me and I immediately wondered about the conversation I’d just had with the UPS guy. Did I just really say, “It’s just a hobby?” That couldn’t be further from the truth. Have I resigned to pursuing this dream that I’ve had for as long as I can remember? Lately I’ve been catching myself thinking like this… a bit defeated, a bit hopeless, a bit surrendered. What exactly is my dream? And if I can’t make a living out of it, is it not worth pursuing? I’m scared of my own thoughts and behavior lately. What is it exactly that I want out of this music thing? Surely it’s more than just a steady paycheck or recognition.
I suppose I can write a whole other post about what music really means to me. Why I can’t seem to let go of it… why I know I’ll always be making music for as long as I’m breathing. In some way, in some form.
In the meantime, while hanging out in the disillusionment of the dreams and promises I had/made through 30 years of life, I found myself writing these lyrics, which fit into a melody that I finished tonight. It’s just how I feel lately.