Where I Am

A few years ago, I decided that I was done with Christianity.  I became disillusioned with the religiosity, politics, and divisiveness of it all.  I started to question a lot of ideas I had been taught to believe for the first 10 years that I had declared myself Christian.  When I first began to really hear the truth about grace, faith and salvation, I was already a decade cemented in teachings that left no room for questions.  But something inside me wanted more… to know more… to do more… to live for more.  And when I allowed that part of my self to come alive, everything I had known was turned upside down.  I knew then that I had to make a choice.  Continue on the journey towards truth or leave it behind altogether and assume a new identity without such pursuits.

There was a ton of unlearning involved through the next few years.  Those ubiquitous phrases and customs that I had come to adopt as my third culture started to slip away from familiarity.  None of the unlearning was very intentional.  It’s as if my mind had been preparing for this type of catharsis for a long time and it went on auto-pilot once I pressed the start button.

It’s unnerving to question everything, especially when you don’t know what the answer will be.  That’s where I am right now.  I don’t take much at face value anymore, and it’s quite an uncomfortable mental place.  I’m kinda waiting for this phase to pass… but wondering if it is a phase, or just a state of being.  Sometimes I wonder how I can still purport to be christian.  But I am.

Amidst the questioning, doubting, digging, rehashing, debating, chewing and spitting back out… I remain a follower of Jesus.

And I refuse to care about how different my journey looks than the next person’s.

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One thought on “Where I Am

  1. Cate, I applaud your courage to be transparent. I relate in many ways. I too have separated from some of the evangelical culture I was wed too in my college days. Through my struggle I find more truth in times of worship and teaching at New Life than anywhere else I look. That doesn’t mean I don’t have lots of questions. Thanks for sharing Cate.

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