It only takes one instance.

It is incredibly sobering to recognize the ugliness that is within my self.

I was driving towards a busy intersection when I saw the traffic light turn yellow.  Although I am a repeat offender of red light violations (I have gotten my fair share of incriminating notices in the mail after the camera captured my car clearly running the red light), I continue my bad habit of stepping on the gas pedal with force when I see a yellow light, instead of slowing down to stop (which seems to be the whole purpose of the yellow indication).  Anyways, on this particular instance, I found myself backed up in the intersection box when the light turned red.  I had noticed before that the driver of the car in front of me was an elderly woman.  I sensed a hesitation in her driving, so knowing that most likely she wouldn’t retaliate or give me grief if I cut her off, I proceeded to cut ahead of her to the side to steer clear of the oncoming traffic.  The primary reason to get out of the way was to relieve the potential gridlock my car would have caused had I stayed in the intersection.  But firstly, I wouldn’t even have been in that position if I followed safe driving habits.  More importantly, my self did a pretty good job of alerting me about the complete disregard I just had of that other driver.  Because I noticed a potential weakness in her disposition, I took immediate advantage of that.  In my heart, I violated her personhood.  I am disappointed.

My heart is deceitful and it is depraved.  There’s no denying it.  I grew up in a shame-based culture and I admit I tend to be a bigger self-critic than your average American.  But there is an element to shame that is valid and needs to be identified and felt.  I am fully aware that I didn’t commit a crime or harm anyone by my actions, and perhaps I am blowing this situation out of proportion…but it only takes one revealing instance to realize the nature of my heart.

It only takes one instance to realize the nature of my heart.

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2 thoughts on “It only takes one instance.

  1. Thanks for being so open with yourself and allowing the rest of us a glimpse into your heart. It’s weird how such small events can start this domino effect… a pandemonium of thoughts in our heads that eventually construct themselves into one massive self discovery [or sometimes two].

    “I violated her personhood.” That’s such an interesting concept; one knowing in one’s own heart that they wronged someone that doesn’t know they’ve been wronged… It’s something that happens on such an unconscious level that I’m in awe of the fact that you were able to recognize and verbalize it so clearly.

    … I should stop rambling. ‘Night, Cate. ♥

  2. “It only takes one instance to realize the nature of my heart.” — I agree with this …

    There’s a quote that I heard once and it has stuck with me for life. “A cup filled with sweetness will never spill a drop of bitterness, no matter how hard it’s jolted”

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