Fall must be coming, I thought to myself. It was just about 9pm and the sun was long gone.
It seemed as though the earth read my mind and blew a big sigh over the road I was driving down, opening up the trees in all of their splendor, making way for the moon to shine down on the pavement. At the end of this road, I would be home.
I saw the road all the way to its end and instead of driving my regular 35 mph down this all-too-familiar street, I took a quick glance at my rearview mirror. It was dark and empty, so I slowed down. I let the car slow to a crawling speed and my eyes gazed down the long road ahead. For the first time in a long while, I let my mind be fully present and I began to realize all that had transpired over these past few months. The memories came crashing at me all at once and I had to stop the car to regain my focus.
I’ve recently seen a commercial for DROID2 and the motto they use is, “making you into an instrument of efficiency”. Every time I see the commercial, I ask mself, Do I want to be an instrument of efficiency? Every time, I answer an emphatic, No. I tried to be present in every situation over these past couple of months, but it was much easier to be robotic, so a part of me became an instrument of efficiency. There were plans to be scheduled, things to be done, requests being made… so I did them. I responded. I planned. During this time, I had painstaking realizations in relationships and grieved the loss of friends, became desperate for some things I never thought I’d worry about. But my fervent quest to analyze and grow and embrace difficult realities of life left me in a lifeless, loveless, joyless condition… not too far from being an instrument of efficiency.
I don’t think I’m an instrument of efficiency. At least, I know that I’m not meant to be. Somewhere deep inside, I long to be fully present in the now, fully experiencing this moment.
So for now, I sit here, behind this computer screen, look outside my window and embrace the cloudy day, somewhere in between summer and fall.