Somewhere In Between

Fall must be coming, I thought to myself.  It was just about 9pm and the sun was long gone.

It seemed as though the earth read my mind and blew a big sigh over the road I was driving down, opening up the trees in all of their splendor, making way for the moon to shine down on the pavement.  At the end of this road, I would be home.

I saw the road all the way to its end and instead of driving my regular 35 mph down this all-too-familiar street, I took a quick glance at my rearview mirror.  It was dark and empty, so I slowed down.  I let the car slow to a crawling speed and my eyes gazed down the long road ahead.  For the first time in a long while, I let my mind be fully present and I began to realize all that had transpired over these past few months.  The memories came crashing at me all at once and I had to stop the car to regain my focus. 

I’ve recently seen a commercial for DROID2 and the motto they use is, “making you into an instrument of efficiency”.  Every time I see the commercial, I ask mself, Do I want to be an instrument of efficiency?  Every time, I answer an emphatic, No.  I tried to be present in every situation over these past couple of months, but it was much easier to be robotic, so a part of me became an instrument of efficiency.  There were plans to be scheduled, things to be done, requests being made… so I did them.  I responded.  I planned.  During this time, I had painstaking realizations in relationships and grieved the loss of friends, became desperate for some things I never thought I’d worry about.  But my fervent quest to analyze and grow and embrace difficult realities of life left me in a lifeless, loveless, joyless condition… not too far from being an instrument of efficiency. 

I don’t think I’m an instrument of efficiency.  At least, I know that I’m not meant to be.  Somewhere deep inside, I long to be fully present in the now, fully experiencing this moment.

So for now, I sit here, behind this computer screen, look outside my window and embrace the cloudy day, somewhere in between summer and fall.

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