You’re Gone

There is an old saying floating around out there that goes something like, “you never know what you have until it’s gone” and I’m starting to think, maybe, that’s true.

Do you ever miss someone you don’t know that well and don’t see that often?  I’ve never felt this kind of void before; it’s a pretty strange feeling.  Couple that with close friends who have also left in more ways than one… and I’m a done deal.  For the time being.

My friend and fellow artist, Dan Cho, passed away last week.  He was an incredibly kind, unassuming, funny and talented fellow, unlike any other that I know.  His unique personality was a gift to this world.  He played that cello magically on 3 of my songs (“Image” & “Won’t You Help Me” from my first album and on “Starting Over” which will be on an upcoming release.  I encourage you listen to these songs to get a little taste of his enormous musicianship.).  In all honesty, I didn’t deserve to have him play on any of my stuff… I mean, he could have very well spent his time playing with the big-leaguers.  But he was just that kind of guy.  He gave each of us attention… no matter who we are.   I didn’t know him all that well, it’s true.  But I miss him dearly.  I feel like life just isn’t the same without him in the world.  I can’t even begin to imagine what his wife must be feeling… if she’s even feeling at all at this point.  I can’t imagine what it will be for their 2 year old daughter to grow up without knowing her amazing dad.  He’s really gone.

My friends got married last week – to each other.  I think I can say that my friendship with one-half of this couple experienced the most growth in the last 2 years than any others in my life.  It was a tumultuous ride, but a fruitful one.  Lots of soul-searching, realizing our weaknesses, making tough decisions, telling the truth to each other… laughing, crying, yelling, praying… this is the stuff that I live for.   Now they’re gone.  When they return from their honeymoon, they’ll make the trek out to the west coast and try doing life over there.  They say it’s nicer over there.  Nicer weather, nicer people.  Just nicer overall.  I wonder if that’s true.

I’m still trying to reconcile the fact that people come and go in life.  I know it’s a reality of life, but I can’t deny that it hurts when they leave.  Like this one person, who seemingly couldn’t handle who I am so jumped ship.  Oh, I guess that was more than one person.  It makes me think sometimes… is there something wrong with me?  There is this one scene when Matt Saracen, a character on Friday Night Lights (which is quickly becoming my favorite TV show of all time), cries in the shower, fully clothed, and says, Why does everyone leave me?  What is wrong with me? I actually sobbed with him in that scene.  Sometimes I feel like that.  I guess a lot of times I’ve felt like that growing up, and even now.

I know it’s not about me.  I just can’t help how I feel sometimes.

I sang a lot last week.  I’ve been going around telling folks that in one week, I sang at a wedding, wake, funeral, coffeehouse, worship night and church service.  I am sitting in bed right now typing away at this post and still amazed at how constant music has been in my life.  It’s been my escape from the lowest of the lowest of times, when it felt like there wasn’t much to live for.  I can’t help but think that God gifted music to me so that I can survive.  So that other people can survive.

Maybe music isn’t just a melody and some words after all.  Maybe music is something that God has given to mankind to remind us to run to him.  To remind us there is something bigger than the here and now.

Even when everything and everyone is gone.

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4 thoughts on “You’re Gone

  1. Oh my goodness Cate, I can’t even begin to tell you just how much the post resonates with my entire being!! Especially the “is there something wrong with me” parts. Thanks for writing the words I have not wanted to put down on paper myself.

  2. My spirit will always be with you Reverend Mother….all you got to do is Climb every mountain, forge every stream, follow every rainbow, til you find your dream….or take a 5 hour direct flight to SD.

  3. Pingback: If I Could Start Over Again « Lyrics of a Caged Songbird

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