I cried in my sleep the other night. Somewhere between the time when I was fully conscious and fully sleeping, my mind recalled a painful memory. It must’ve lasted only about 3 seconds, but it was enough to wring out the full emotion of that moment.
I woke up from that ‘dream’ and my heart ached so much, I couldn’t help but cry. It was unintentional and uncontrolled. I felt like a little girl who had lost her parents.
I’ve been crying more than usual lately. When a situation is sad, I cry tears of sadness. When something is to be celebrated, I cry tears of joy. Call me sensitive. Call me emo. Call me a woman. Whatever it is, it’s a change from the way I used to be. I used to hide my tears, hold them in. I NEVER allowed anyone to see me cry. I was an expert at putting up a hard exterior. I couldn’t let anyone see me in such a vulnerable place.
It took years and hard work to get here. I had to consciously remind myself, It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to show your weakness. Honestly, in life, I feel helpless and weak equally as much as I feel confident and strong, if not more. I had to intentionally allow myself to feel the pain and rejection that life often brings, and live in that reality.
Perhaps I’m headed for the other extreme… and I’ll soon be tearing up at Huggies commercials and love stories. But for now, this feels right. No more stuffing emotions into a tiny little bottle. For now, I’ll have to let pride take a back seat. For now, I’m gonna have to put aside the facade.
For now, I’m gonna let these tears fall.