I’ve been displaced.
As of July 1, 2009 I am “home”-less. You can clear out those images of me holding out a cup at an entrance to the subway station or sleeping on a street corner in Manhattan, or going from one subway car to the next singing “A Change Is Gonna Come” asking people for spare change. It’s not like that.
The lease on our apartment ended, so I had to move out. Due to varying circumstances (nothing financially related – but Cate Song’s Musical Dream Fund is accepting any and all donations!) I am now without a permanent place to live. Thankfully, my friend has graciously allowed me to stay with her for the time being while things sort out. Many others have offered, and I am so grateful for such generous and hospitable spirits! But let’s save that topic for another day.
I moved a lot growing up. At ages 2, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 11, 14, 17… (I could go on, but yeah, that would just get really boring to read). In my near 30 years on this planet, I can’t say that I ever felt like any place that I lived actually felt like “home.” With every move, familiarity, friends and comfort slowly became strangers in my realm of consciousness. Goodbyes became routine. I learned to let go easily. I then learned to stop getting attached at all. What was the point anyways? I was gonna have to leave it all soon. I was gonna have to leave them all soon. Bosom buddies and soul mates turned into best friends. Best friends turned into good friends. Good friends turned into acquaintances.
I recently told a friend that life is about loving people and allowing people to love us.
Honestly, I haven’t loved very well. Nor have I received love very well. A lot of it has to do with this constant leaving that I’ve had to do throughout life. Maybe somewhere deep inside, I don’t believe it’s worth the effort because I’m gonna be leaving soon. Or they’re gonna be leaving soon.
Why then does my heart still keep searching for home? Why does it keep waiting for a day when there will be no leaving? A place where I can stay? And for a person who will stay? Maybe it won’t happen in this life. All I know is that I can’t wait until the day when I can say, “There’s no place like home.”