Yesterday I walked home as the snow fell onto the ground, one flake at a time. My earbuds were ringing, I love you means you have power to break me… If it was one degree colder, maybe the tears would’ve frozen onto my face. If it was one degree colder, maybe I would’ve frozen. In time. Then I wouldn’t have to keep living this lie of a life.
I touched the snow gently resting on the fence to see if I could feel. I am alive, I thought. Then why do I have to prove it to myself? Why do I have to convince myself of the fact that I am breathing… that my heart is beating… and that my soul is yearning?
It takes courage for a person to feel loneliness. In fact, I’m starting to think it takes more courage to actually allow myself to feel lonely than to keep it hidden and pretend that I am always fine. Even in my introverted state. Even in my desire for a contemplative, solitary life. Even in my longing to join the desert fathers.
You reveal parts of me that I never knew existed. You challenge beliefs that I’ve held onto for so long. You speak of a world that is entirely different than my own. You see things that I never noticed. You are the other side of tension. You are the other side of offense. You are the other side of pain.
You have power to break me.
You are the other side of love.